I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
