i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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