Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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