Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
