that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
