remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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