im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
