Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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