You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Your cock deserves a montage
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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