Where is the hickey?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
