ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
