I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
