planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
