I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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