fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
