I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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