The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
