Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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