I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
