I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
