Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
two words: eviction party
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A bitchslap is in order.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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