eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
