Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
