3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
