ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
