i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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