Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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