i love accidental penises.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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