So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
