You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
