I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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