You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
