I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
