the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
