my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
