Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
