Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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