I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
