I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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