after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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