I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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