Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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