dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
