Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
