A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All the doctor said was why
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
