i think my tv is drunk
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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