and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
