Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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