Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
3pm strippers are depressing
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
