my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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