I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
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