if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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