I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
